I miss you, my farewell friend

I logged into Myspace this morning, which is something I haven't done in a long time. I found on my profile a picture collage that I forgot was there. As I stared at each one that went by, I found myself once again missing something: my past, or more specifically, my senior year into my freshman year. And then I'm wowed when I remember that I'm a junior. And even that title is about to run out with only 19 days of school left.

I saw the smiles of myself and all those around me. I seemed happy then. Content. Now, I certainly didn't feel that way at the time. If I were to stare long enough I would remember that I was sick in that picture. I was worrying about a test in that one. And in that one I was very mad at my sister. If I stared long enough to remember the circumstances. But most of the time, all I see is happy. And most of the time, that's all I remember.

The thing is, I used to always do this. Look back. Look back and miss. The natural answer is, of course, "well time goes by fast, better soak it all up, live and love in the present, don't think ahead too much, don't miss what's in front of you." Yes, yes, all true. But I used to always do this. And I haven't in a long time. I haven't in a long time really contemplated and pondered my past and the people I knew and what I gained at that time and why it's important to me now. Am I moving too fast? I can argue that I'm not. I have thoroughly enjoyed every age and season of my life so far, and I think the fact that I have such fond and vivid memories of those ages proves it. But why is there still that feeling of loss?

I know that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, but is the ache of missing those people and times supposed to be there? Is that how we're supposed to remember them? Is that ache the proof we're left with to show us that it really did happen and we really did know them? I always wonder. I wonder if when I get to heaven all these questions will be answered. That would be nice.

Questions are good. I fully support them. But I really just want to soak up the sun in my skin and the laughter in my ears and the flowers in my nose and the blue sky in my eyes, and coffee on my tongue. I want to absorb you, all my friends, and let you love me. Freedom. No hiding.

Ever had the feeling you misplaced something you don't have?

Excuse me,
Beg your pardon,
I was wondering if he went that way
Did you see him?
Did he pass you?
You see, I've lost my lover today.

I left him baking cookies
I had entrusted to him my special spoon
But then I had returned to him
And he had left the room

He did not leave me any note
Or any clues or crumbs
To find where he had disappeared to
So on this search I have come

Describe him?
Tell you about him?
Oh that's quite easy, let me think.
He's... got a nose
And... and two eyeballs
...I think.

Maybe beffuddlement does become me.

I reach and I reach
But my arms are never long enough
I stand high on my toes
By my balance is never proportioned
I run and I run
And I'm still on this dirt road

When will I see the buildings?
When will I seen the people?
Trees and flowers are lovely
Birds and clouds are pretty
But my eyes long for a change in scenery

Mountains don't grow where I'm from
Planes are only a distant imagination
The only things I see that scrape the sky
Are the birds that flap their formation

I dream and I dream
But I'm still rolling in my bed asleep
I wish and I wish
But my goals are no further away from words on a page
I run and I run
And I'm still on this dirt road.

i've still never had creme brulee.

But every time I watch Amelie, I sure wish I had some. The Honey Trees are singing to me right now. I have successfully completed one page of each of the 4-page papers I have due next week. One for Wednesday and one for Thursday. I have successfully completed the three page rough draft I have due for Monday, and I've yet to study for either of my tests on Monday. Although I did make my study guides for those tests. I just have yet to look at them . . . .

No worries though. I am exactly where I planned to be. And that rarely happens.

Right now I'd just like to curl up in my grandma's afghan and knit my scarf while drinking my tea and watching . . . well I don't know exactly . . . I guess Amelie or having someone read to me. Perhaps something from H.D. or the book I'm trying to get through right now that doesn't pertain to college, The Elegance of the Hedgehog. Marvelous book. It makes me feel smart, and I'd really love to just finish it though I still have about a third of it left.

I miss those January days where I'd curl up in my dorm room and read Harry Potter and feel no guilt whatsoever about not doing homework because none of my books had arrived yet. So long ago . . . last year.

Also, I decided tonight . . . or like two minutes ago . . . that I want to be that person that no one really knows but recognizes. That person with a title because I have one distinguishing feature. I don't know. Like "that girl with the red tights" or "that chick with the moon boots" or "that lady who always wears plaid." I just think that would be cool for a little while. Or something. So one day in the future I will move to a new city far away and buy myself some red tights and wear them every day for a month. Okay, I'll buy several pairs and wash them.

and so i watched helplessly as a world fell apart

Why do some people, wonderful people, people with the best of life's intentions, people with the sweetest souls, people with innocent longings, people with wholesome lifestyles, why do some people who so desperately want a baby get denied that blessing as if they didn't deserve it or weren't good enough?

Why so some people, young people, people with wild intentions, people with careless souls, people with selfish longings, people with questionable lifestyles, why do some people who have a chance at that blessing throw it away like it's a piece of food on their plate they didn't feel like eating?

I never appreciated the argument, "It's her body, it's her choice, she can do what she wants." That may be true, but in my opinion, this has never been a women's right issue, but one of human rights. And I have never met anyone who did it that doesn't regret it. I cannot imagine it when all I've ever wanted most of all was my own kids. And I would even take this one. I would take nine months of humiliation. I would take an unfinished degree. I would take a life I didn't expect. If I could. If that meant this one would be saved. If that were possible. I would. Right now.

But no. We don't think of that. We think of ourselves. "I'm too scared to tell my mom." Thinking of yourself and your horrible backbone. "I don't want the whole school to know." Thinking of yourself and your cowardice. "I don't want to go through the pain." Right. Because waiting four months requiring major surgery to murder someone by repulsive methods risking future breast and cervical cancer, the ability to have children later on, constant bleeding later on, constant psychological and emotional destress, lifelong regret, lifelong what-ifs will be so much less painlful.

Life is sad, y'all. Not everything has a beginning, a middle, and a nicely tied up end. Sometimes, stuff just happens. And if it works out, great. If not. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ?