"you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

Sometimes when I sit under the giant pecan tree branches on the patio in a breeze that moves the wind chimes to produce a soundtrack for such a moment in my life, talking to my mother, I almost feel like my problems and pressing responsibilities are nonexistent.

This has been a summer quite unlike any other in my life, and I have lived fully every possible extreme emotion that could be felt by someone whose life is less than tragic. It has been one of the fullest summers of my life in that, looking back, I find it hard to believe I was able to cram as much into it as I did. I have gone to school, left the country, road tripped quite a bit, worked hard, changed residences, applied for graduation, and finally became THAT girl who gets to figure out what "call you sometime" means. I feel like I have stretched myself to great lengths for everyone, and like I don't deserve any of the wonderful people in my life whose wonderfulness has put me in awe.

Many months ago, I fell for someone. As to how far, I still don't quite know since I have yet to find a landing. I dread it because I don't know if it will be firmly on my feet, unharmed or flat on my face, injured. I have transitioned into different phases of various friendships, some good, some not-so-great. I have also learned more about what I need to do to change who I am for the better than I ever have before. And last night, I was immersed and practically drowned in music that I missed so much. Let me tell you about sitting and listening to someone else play so loudly that everything is drowned out: it is also a lovely thing in that it too can convince you for just a short while that all other problems and responsibilities are completely gone from your life.

I want to believe that these pieces will be put together to make sense of something soon, but all I know right now is this (and I quote my darling capstone professor): "starting in October, it's gonna be hell, pretty much." So when the research and papers and annotated bibliographies and rough drafts and presentations and portfolios and late nights and crying mates and piles of dirty laundry/dishes and procrastinated grocery store trips begin to overtake me and suffocate me, I shall be seeking out those tunes.

In my daydreams, I...

am an accomplished swing dancer, jazz singer, and theatre actress

live by the sea -- not the beach -- the sea

travel to coffee shops, bistros, cafes, small bookstores and taverns to read excerpts from my writing

teach things that I love, and get paid for it

take my children on a tour through Paris (without a nanny!)

have lunch with JK Rowling, Joy Williams, and/or Tina Fey

have read all "the classics"

like beer

know how to knit and sew everything

cook every day

can play a piano that is not out of tune

can swim

have a few precious little brunettes running around calling me mommy and learning how to knit and read and play musical things

"The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps."

Sometimes when I write . . . I don't want to. Sometimes I stare at blank lines that look to be filled. The pen rests and stares back at me with questioning eyes. I pick up the pen with exceeding effort, and I feel like I'm peeling off pieces of myself with something really sharp. But I continue even though it gets painful. I feel like it's my life or my identity, and I must continue, I must press forward even though I have no desire or will to. I wonder if this is healthy. I wonder . . . if something is not ready to leave the safety of my self. But I still push it. For I fear that if I do not write, then I will lose the desire or the will altogether. If I do not write, if I do not force myself, the pages will never have any meaning. People look at a painting and assume it was naturally done. Maybe it was. But naturally does not always mean easy. Sometimes . . . to write is to urge something out of oneself with great pain. And the hope that someday it will be worth it.

ZOMG the location of the second zero has moved.

Happy 2010!!!

Yeah I said zomg. So what? I know, I know. I always say I will never conform as it is my biggest fear, but sometimes I just get tired of fighting. Sometimes there is no better expression. Sometimes sounding out "oh em gee" is the only way others will understand certain emotions. Sad. I wish I had real words. It's my culture. And I am a part of it.

Next, I watched Defiance today with Daniel Craig. It was soooo good. Except that I was left saddened at the end when my favorite character died. He was my favorite, not because he was a cutie, (which he was) but because he was just such a sweet one.
It's amazing to me how every WWII movie I watch always brings out so many emotions. Anger, sadness, frustration, pity. I'm always so confused. When I see these soldiers killing Jews without thought I can't ever comprehend why. It's more than following orders. Everybody had a choice. What could possibly motivate any one person to determine anybody else's value or lack therof? Why punish a person for living? Not that any ethnicity is a bad thing. Only the opposite. But even in some crazy, alternate, unbelievable world in which it could be a bad thing, why punish any person for something that is not under their control? It never made sense to me.

But I guess that's a good thing. It would be terrible if I did understand it. I don't think I would ever want to know what that hatred feels like. Why does any person think they have a right to determine another person's life and value? It's cruel. Who gave them that right? Sometimes I'm not even confidant enough to speak my mind, I can't even imagine assuming such power.

The past will always exist. I wonder if dealing with that existence will ever stop being such a struggle. For groups and for individuals. But we just keep swimming. Sometimes that's all we can do. And it may not seem like much, but it's something. The fact that we can still do something is worthy of gratitude. We show that gratitude by doing that something.

So good luck with your somethings!