Are you happy? Someone should tell your face.

There was a volcanic eruption in Iceland?

I want to talk about my pet peeves.

One is the current popular hair part for women. Not that part in itself. I am glad we've moved away from the butt parts. But sometimes your part goes so far on the other side that it's literally on the side of your head. Again, not a bad thing in itself. Unless you have really long hair in which case you feel the need to walk with your head sideways because if you don't, then your hair will get in your face. And no one wants hair in their faces. But please, how do you see? How do you keep from running into things? Is it that hard to pull your hair back or put your "bangs" in a clip? I know you have long hair so that people can see how pretty it is, but believe me, when you walk with your head sideways, no one's looking at your hair.

Second, people who can't park. Do you think the lines are there so you can center your car over them? And yes, I am talking to you who go to my church. Yes, you. And the other half of Columbus' resident drivers. I know you own the road, you've established that, but no one said anything about letting you have the parking lot, so BACK OFF and let me park without having to be intimidated by your sucky skills trying to take over my space. My car may not be that big, but I can still cause a sizable dent in yours. I have witnesses.

Third, girls who come to the cafeteria and sit in the booth right behind me to talk about your guy problems. I don't want to hear about how he keeps texting you and hanging out with you but won't ask you out. I don't want to hear about how he was TOTALLY flirting with that other girl from chorale and how you're heartbroken because he's now dating her. I don't care and I really just want to eat my french toast sticks in peace.

Fourth, loud people.

Fifth, messy people. Did your mama raise you right? Or did she do everything for you? You're a big boy/girl now, you should have become well acquainted with the real world in which you will not have people following you around and washing your dishes and taking out the trash. You're going to have to learn to pick up your own pieces. I can only do that for so long.

Also, I have urticaria, and I'm on steroids.